Pulling on loose threads

From a letter that I have started again and again:

“Fancy words come too late... You cant just try to eloquently fill the void you left. Its not that simple.”

Ugh my mind is on overload!!!!! 

Watch out here comes a Rant / Ramble / Random Burst of thoughts.

I know, because I practice being here and now everyday, that the past is not where my mind should be focused. But I cant help but wonder about the what-ifs. 

I admit I am angry. It is okay to be angry. And today I am allowing myself that. 

I have a right to be, I am justified. I am angry.

Normally that would be enough for me. But it isn't. Why?

I am hurt and disappointed. I allow myself to feel those things. I have cause. I am hurt and disappointed. Again, normally, this would be enough. But it isn't.

I work the same principals around everything else in my life. And until now, this mindfulness has worked for me. Yes, until now.

Im wondering if I have in fact, asked for what I need and want. Maybe I wasn't clear. No, I was. I have re-examined this again and again. And I still believe I have asked for what I need to be able to put this to rest.  I have not gotten it and I find myself uneasy.

It has taken me years to get to the place that I am. I have been forgiving. I have let go. I have grown and moved forward. But there is just one part of my life that seems to be stubborn and stagnate. Do I walk away from it, or do I find a way to make it move with me?

Okay moving on:

Lets see.....

• My daughter has some issue with her right ankle and is in a boot type thing for the next 3 weeks. In the meantime, we need to do a full rheumatological work up. Great!

• I am having a tough time with pain lately. The doctors keep prescribing more pain medication! I am actively searching for a doctor that will prescribe medical marijuana.  I have had it with pills! I cant swallow another one.

• We are supposed to get hit with more snow. Really? We need more of this crap? The mountain that was once my front yard isn't enough? I don't know if I can handle anymore togetherness with the kids. They have had one day of school in the last 2 weeks!  Ahhhhhhhhhh Please let the universe hear my screams!  NO MORE SNOW!!!!!  I need some warm sun on my face and some sand under my feet. Seriously.

• I had a chest X-ray today. My doctors didn't seem very happy. Eh......What else is new?

Today all I’ve got is: Screw it!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.  ~W. C. Fields~