Pulling on loose threads

From a letter that I have started again and again:

“Fancy words come too late... You cant just try to eloquently fill the void you left. Its not that simple.”

Ugh my mind is on overload!!!!! 

Watch out here comes a Rant / Ramble / Random Burst of thoughts.

I know, because I practice being here and now everyday, that the past is not where my mind should be focused. But I cant help but wonder about the what-ifs. 

I admit I am angry. It is okay to be angry. And today I am allowing myself that. 

I have a right to be, I am justified. I am angry.

Normally that would be enough for me. But it isn't. Why?

I am hurt and disappointed. I allow myself to feel those things. I have cause. I am hurt and disappointed. Again, normally, this would be enough. But it isn't.

I work the same principals around everything else in my life. And until now, this mindfulness has worked for me. Yes, until now.

Im wondering if I have in fact, asked for what I need and want. Maybe I wasn't clear. No, I was. I have re-examined this again and again. And I still believe I have asked for what I need to be able to put this to rest.  I have not gotten it and I find myself uneasy.

It has taken me years to get to the place that I am. I have been forgiving. I have let go. I have grown and moved forward. But there is just one part of my life that seems to be stubborn and stagnate. Do I walk away from it, or do I find a way to make it move with me?

Okay moving on:

Lets see.....

• My daughter has some issue with her right ankle and is in a boot type thing for the next 3 weeks. In the meantime, we need to do a full rheumatological work up. Great!

• I am having a tough time with pain lately. The doctors keep prescribing more pain medication! I am actively searching for a doctor that will prescribe medical marijuana.  I have had it with pills! I cant swallow another one.

• We are supposed to get hit with more snow. Really? We need more of this crap? The mountain that was once my front yard isn't enough? I don't know if I can handle anymore togetherness with the kids. They have had one day of school in the last 2 weeks!  Ahhhhhhhhhh Please let the universe hear my screams!  NO MORE SNOW!!!!!  I need some warm sun on my face and some sand under my feet. Seriously.

• I had a chest X-ray today. My doctors didn't seem very happy. Eh......What else is new?

Today all I’ve got is: Screw it!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.  ~W. C. Fields~

Portion sizes vary by person.

CAUTION HEAVY :

When there is a catastrophic event... It changes lives. Sometimes, loved ones are lost and forever, lives are marred by the events of that day. For a lifetime, every year the day will come and people will recall their loss and their lives before the event. 

Imagine if that event didn't occur in just one single day. Perhaps it consisted of cumulative events leading to the same result. The result is still catastrophic. There is still loss. There is still the marred life and recollection of your life before the event.

Imagine if you're the only person who acknowledged the event at all. Everyone else that is aware of this event taking place acts as though its never occurred. They have all gone on with life as though it never happened. Their lives are not marred by it in the least. And so... You figure that the only way to move forward is to go with the flow, and act as if. 

Suppose you, at one time were satisfied with life as you know it now; after the event.  But years later, after you've grown, you find yourself in a place where you feel the need for the event to be at the very least acknowledged. Because what you lost can only be measured on a massive scale. You lost not only time and bits of yourself, but family and connections you will never know. And in turn, your children will never know. You feel as though your kids miss out, or better that you cannot give this to them.

How do you handle it? What do you do now? 

Im at a strange place right now. A place I thought I dealt with and put behind me. But since I had my daughter, this has been an issue for me in increasing frequency. 

So, today I started my journey. I am trying to find my way through a dense forest that I have never traveled before. 

FUN FUN FUN… And a sore back:

Ugh... On a much less serious note!!!!

 I went sledding,for the first time ever, yesterday with my daughter. I only went down the slope 3 or 4 times. But the climbing and the impact were a beating to my body.  With recent knee and back surgeries I was really risking it. But I felt like, ya know I have always wanted to do it. And never have been able. 

I watched her out there alone for a bit and then put on my gloves and sweatshirt. Of course I wasn't nearly prepared for the full body soaking that I would get. So I came in pretty cold 2 hours later! 

We have a good 10 ft tall 15 foot wide mountain of snow in front of the house. We dug out a tunnel that lead to an igloo sort of thing that we sat inside of. And then slid down the hill a few times. Before I knew it, it was time to go in and figure out dinner for the family. 

My day ended with another migraine, and that sucked!  But I slept like a rock.. And my daughter has talked about nothing else since! That makes me happy on a level I cant explain.

With so many quotes to choose from that sum it up…. I chose this: 

Every now and then, bite off more than you can chew        ~Kobi Yamada

Happy Friday Everyone!

Totally at random:

I think the voice in my head... Has an english accent. Why is that? 

Jessi after the snow storm

Kids:

I love it when I catch my kids doing or saying something that is straight from my mouth, as if it were their own original thought. However, when I had this conversation with them earlier, they fought me tooth and nail. It just proves that kids have an innate need to reject authority. Even if they agree with what you're saying. It makes me smile inside.

You ever wonder how we learn to love? I have been thinking about that lately. I mean, I think that the average person believes that we learn how to love the same way we learn anything. We learn by example right? But what about if you had no real example? 

That question had me concerned about raising my own children. I worried for a long time that I wouldn't know how to love them. Sometimes I still check myself. I’m always afraid a demon will slip out and take over. Im cautious when criticizing the kids. I want them to always know they are my first priority. Nothing will ever come before them. I want my actions to prove to them that I love them. I want to create lasting memories that are happy  for them to reflect on as adults. I never want to be hurtful or unkind. For that is one of the things I know best. If what most people believe is true, than what I know to be loving is tearing them down so that they can build themselves back up.  I want them to have everything that I didn't. 

I look at my 9 year old daughter as she draws me a picture or asks me to sit and read with her. I think about at where I was when I was 9 years old. And I cannot wrap my mind around it.  I have a difficult time imagining my daughter feeling the way I felt. Or behaving the way I behaved. At 9 I had such adult sized concerns and fears. As a parent, I would do what ever I needed to do in order to save my daughter from having to be where I was when I was 9 years old. 

Its now just my daughter, but my sons too. My oldest is going to be 20. When I was 20, I was married and had a child. I watch my oldest navigate through his daily life, and wonder how he would manage a house, a child, a wife. I cant. It just isn't possible.

Im glad my children are just that ... Children. Im glad they don't need to make those kinds of choices and decisions. Not yet anyway.

I guess I turned out to be a good parent after all.

As my thoughts to turn to other things…. 

An apology is a good way to have the last word.  

We all just need a little space.

Of course it snowed again, I live in Connecticut and its January. Thats all that happens here in January!  My poor dog has legs that only old him off the ground by about 4 inches. Add some snow and he is nose deep in it!  Poor old thing cant squat anywhere out there. Every time he tries, his ass hits the ice cold snow and, I swear I hear his Sphincter screaming “HELL NO”!!!! The wind pretty much blows him over too. Sometimes its entertaining to watch, but mostly its sad. Funny as hell...But sad. (Hehehe). We are expecting another storm Tuesday night. Oh joy.

Rant:

I HATE being cooped up in the house. So I do my “spring cleaning” in the winter. I’m a little OCD. So what of it! Ugh. I don't know why I hang on to so much crap. I say I’m going to clean things out, start sorting stuff and think; “ hmmm I might have a use for this in an art piece.”  Now I have bins of “might use stuff” that I know as soon as I toss will be needed. Thats one reason I need a studio outside of the house again. 

I can't stand working at home. I can't get much done and I have kids going through my stuff. You know how much Utrecht markers are? Or Faber-Castell pencils? Too damn much for the kids to use to doodle or write their names on books and back packs! I rarely get them back and when I do they look like a wild animal has been gnawing on them. They take liberty with my space because it is an open alcove of sorts. And that drives me insane. I have never been able to have a space in my own house that is just mine. That bothers me and then I feel selfish. I would rather have a studio outside the house anyway. Less distraction and more focus.

I’m a little pissy today. I thought I had a piece sold and then when they measured, realized it was too big. I offered to do a custom piece but they said it was this particular piece they liked and since it was glass work, they didn't think I’d “capture” it again. Arggg. Yet another reason I need a space to work. 

I need to be able to show my work like I did at the gallery. I miss that space. Without a place to have my work seen, how am I supposed to make a living? Right now, and for the foreseeable future, it is a choice between the mortgage and health related costs or a studio... Hmmm lets see. A studio is looking mighty good right about now.

END RANT

Im trying to work through some other recent disappointments, silly expectations of others, and old wounds that Im not sure how to go about healing. I have way too much on my mind to finish spring winter cleaning right now. Maybe I will go work for a bit. 

That being said, todays quote is a good one. 

~ There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. ~

Today is officially a hibernation day. Check your calendar.

This morning

How is it that every week, I lose a day? Its happening more and more often. 

I was completely oblivious to the fact that yesterday was, in fact, a Friday. I would have bet the farm that it was only Thursday. Sadly, losing a day seriously screws me up.  I don't know if its old age, Fibro fog, chemo brain, or just being completely overwhelmed with everything there is to do lately.

Today, I’m afraid, its going to be completely random.  It must be the weather. Being snowed in makes me nuts. Its not just that I’m trapped inside with the kids fighting with one another. But I would rather be more productive when I am forced inside. But it never  quite goes the way I imagined it would.  I get scatterbrained. Like everyone in the house is using up the oxygen. Thus depriving my brain of any at all. 

The one thing I do like about a snow storm is the buffer it puts on everything.  In so many aspects, a heavy snow cushions and softens everything. Even the ugliest if scenes. And everything sounds soft and gentle. My yard looks so pretty after a snow. Eh, til the kids get back there and wreck it all with the sleds, snowball fights and the inevitable poorly engineered “fort”. 

Kids:

Trying to get the boys out there to shovel the driveway is like pulling teeth. My oldest is home from college. You would think after not living here for a few years he would learn to do more on his own. Thats a big ol’ negative!  I’m walking with a cane and I cant get him to clear the stairs. I’m so angry with him right now. Does it make me a horrible mother that I cant wait for him to go back to school? If so, please send my Horrible Mother of The Year Award to my home address. Request it privately please. 

Life:

I sure would like a house keeper. I know I will never have one.  Its just a wish... Like I wish my children had volume controls. Or I wish I never had to do laundry.I know those things wont happen, but it doesn't mean I don't dream about the possibility.  Honestly, I live on a street of 7 homes including my own. 4 of them have house cleaning services that come at least once week. I would love to not be the person who cleans all the toilets and the tubs. That job sucks. 

My meds kept me up again last night. I fell asleep around 4am. At 6 my 9 year old daughter is in my bed chatting it up about something she heard on the news. Why does she find pleasure in the news? Are there not more kid oriented things for her to watch in the morning while I try to SLEEP?

Reminder:

1. I need to find a new massage therapist.
2. Flaxseed is NOT like a cereal
3. The purple earplugs work the best at night and orange ones for around the house.

Well, folks that's it for today. I think I’m going to go clean up the studio and see if I can find a place to work. 

Have a happy Friday Saturday! 

And remember; Don't eat yellow snow. 

A little bit of therapy.

Yes, I have my Facebook, and thats fine for instant connections to my kids and friends. I really miss blogging though. I miss writing out all the random thoughts, silly ideas and pet peeves. It was almost therapeutic for me.  I could always use a little therapy right?

So, here I am. Some of my friends from Facebook will follow me over here via private invites. Others will be people that I follow here in blog land. But in this blog don't be surprised at what you see or what you read. I can go from refined to ridiculous in a snap! Having kids will do that to you I think. Well, kids and years of drug and alcohol usage. Haha.

• Work:

Its been quite a while since really I painted anything. Not totally due to lack of desire though. But as quickly as that desire seems to come on, it fades. I found myself flipping through an old sketchbook of trees that I had for a painting I did about 5 years ago. I was flooded with ideas. But the thought of getting everything together to start just felt like too much. Until about a week ago, my arms and hands were majorly effected by my Lupus and Fibro so it made working painful. Now that I have some relief I'd like to work... I guess I feel like I have no drive. How do I find that again?

• Family:

I like the idea of making your own family. People that are important in your life, that have made an impact, friends that make all the difference in your day, they are family. You don't have to be blood related.

The flip side of that is when my kids ask about aunt/uncles and cousins. Hey have none. We have no real family. Christmases void of living rooms filled with kids. It makes me sad sometimes. And yes, I admit I find myself a tad envious of adult women that have Mommy and Daddy pampering them even as adults! I wouldn't want to live like that, but I wouldn't mind knowing what it felt like once and a while. 

• Meds:

Have I mentioned, I HATE taking 24 pills a day? Side effects? Ha! Yep. The latest one has colors looking strange almost washed out and green tinged. One of the meds is making patches of hair fall out. Oh my favorite is the one that makes me a complete idiot... Foggy in the brain. Like I cant find the correct words to use. Not complicated descriptive terms, but words like book, door, and apple. Oh yeah... Say goodbye to my Mensa status! LOL

• Random:

I just saw a commercial for Scientology. Wow... Really? They advertise now.

I cant help but laugh.

Ever see those little black birds that fly together in a pack? They switch directions and turn in sync. Its kind of cool to watch. It seems like Im the only person I know that thinks they are amazing to watch. The look like they are choreographed. Anybody know what kind of birds they are?

Well, not too heavy or crazy for my first entry huh? Time for tea and hopefully sleep. 

"Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England." ~The Cider House Rules