Pulling on loose threads

From a letter that I have started again and again:

“Fancy words come too late... You cant just try to eloquently fill the void you left. Its not that simple.”

Ugh my mind is on overload!!!!! 

Watch out here comes a Rant / Ramble / Random Burst of thoughts.

I know, because I practice being here and now everyday, that the past is not where my mind should be focused. But I cant help but wonder about the what-ifs. 

I admit I am angry. It is okay to be angry. And today I am allowing myself that. 

I have a right to be, I am justified. I am angry.

Normally that would be enough for me. But it isn't. Why?

I am hurt and disappointed. I allow myself to feel those things. I have cause. I am hurt and disappointed. Again, normally, this would be enough. But it isn't.

I work the same principals around everything else in my life. And until now, this mindfulness has worked for me. Yes, until now.

Im wondering if I have in fact, asked for what I need and want. Maybe I wasn't clear. No, I was. I have re-examined this again and again. And I still believe I have asked for what I need to be able to put this to rest.  I have not gotten it and I find myself uneasy.

It has taken me years to get to the place that I am. I have been forgiving. I have let go. I have grown and moved forward. But there is just one part of my life that seems to be stubborn and stagnate. Do I walk away from it, or do I find a way to make it move with me?

Okay moving on:

Lets see.....

• My daughter has some issue with her right ankle and is in a boot type thing for the next 3 weeks. In the meantime, we need to do a full rheumatological work up. Great!

• I am having a tough time with pain lately. The doctors keep prescribing more pain medication! I am actively searching for a doctor that will prescribe medical marijuana.  I have had it with pills! I cant swallow another one.

• We are supposed to get hit with more snow. Really? We need more of this crap? The mountain that was once my front yard isn't enough? I don't know if I can handle anymore togetherness with the kids. They have had one day of school in the last 2 weeks!  Ahhhhhhhhhh Please let the universe hear my screams!  NO MORE SNOW!!!!!  I need some warm sun on my face and some sand under my feet. Seriously.

• I had a chest X-ray today. My doctors didn't seem very happy. Eh......What else is new?

Today all I’ve got is: Screw it!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.  ~W. C. Fields~

Portion sizes vary by person.

CAUTION HEAVY :

When there is a catastrophic event... It changes lives. Sometimes, loved ones are lost and forever, lives are marred by the events of that day. For a lifetime, every year the day will come and people will recall their loss and their lives before the event. 

Imagine if that event didn't occur in just one single day. Perhaps it consisted of cumulative events leading to the same result. The result is still catastrophic. There is still loss. There is still the marred life and recollection of your life before the event.

Imagine if you're the only person who acknowledged the event at all. Everyone else that is aware of this event taking place acts as though its never occurred. They have all gone on with life as though it never happened. Their lives are not marred by it in the least. And so... You figure that the only way to move forward is to go with the flow, and act as if. 

Suppose you, at one time were satisfied with life as you know it now; after the event.  But years later, after you've grown, you find yourself in a place where you feel the need for the event to be at the very least acknowledged. Because what you lost can only be measured on a massive scale. You lost not only time and bits of yourself, but family and connections you will never know. And in turn, your children will never know. You feel as though your kids miss out, or better that you cannot give this to them.

How do you handle it? What do you do now? 

Im at a strange place right now. A place I thought I dealt with and put behind me. But since I had my daughter, this has been an issue for me in increasing frequency. 

So, today I started my journey. I am trying to find my way through a dense forest that I have never traveled before. 

FUN FUN FUN… And a sore back:

Ugh... On a much less serious note!!!!

 I went sledding,for the first time ever, yesterday with my daughter. I only went down the slope 3 or 4 times. But the climbing and the impact were a beating to my body.  With recent knee and back surgeries I was really risking it. But I felt like, ya know I have always wanted to do it. And never have been able. 

I watched her out there alone for a bit and then put on my gloves and sweatshirt. Of course I wasn't nearly prepared for the full body soaking that I would get. So I came in pretty cold 2 hours later! 

We have a good 10 ft tall 15 foot wide mountain of snow in front of the house. We dug out a tunnel that lead to an igloo sort of thing that we sat inside of. And then slid down the hill a few times. Before I knew it, it was time to go in and figure out dinner for the family. 

My day ended with another migraine, and that sucked!  But I slept like a rock.. And my daughter has talked about nothing else since! That makes me happy on a level I cant explain.

With so many quotes to choose from that sum it up…. I chose this: 

Every now and then, bite off more than you can chew        ~Kobi Yamada

Happy Friday Everyone!

We all just need a little space.

Of course it snowed again, I live in Connecticut and its January. Thats all that happens here in January!  My poor dog has legs that only old him off the ground by about 4 inches. Add some snow and he is nose deep in it!  Poor old thing cant squat anywhere out there. Every time he tries, his ass hits the ice cold snow and, I swear I hear his Sphincter screaming “HELL NO”!!!! The wind pretty much blows him over too. Sometimes its entertaining to watch, but mostly its sad. Funny as hell...But sad. (Hehehe). We are expecting another storm Tuesday night. Oh joy.

Rant:

I HATE being cooped up in the house. So I do my “spring cleaning” in the winter. I’m a little OCD. So what of it! Ugh. I don't know why I hang on to so much crap. I say I’m going to clean things out, start sorting stuff and think; “ hmmm I might have a use for this in an art piece.”  Now I have bins of “might use stuff” that I know as soon as I toss will be needed. Thats one reason I need a studio outside of the house again. 

I can't stand working at home. I can't get much done and I have kids going through my stuff. You know how much Utrecht markers are? Or Faber-Castell pencils? Too damn much for the kids to use to doodle or write their names on books and back packs! I rarely get them back and when I do they look like a wild animal has been gnawing on them. They take liberty with my space because it is an open alcove of sorts. And that drives me insane. I have never been able to have a space in my own house that is just mine. That bothers me and then I feel selfish. I would rather have a studio outside the house anyway. Less distraction and more focus.

I’m a little pissy today. I thought I had a piece sold and then when they measured, realized it was too big. I offered to do a custom piece but they said it was this particular piece they liked and since it was glass work, they didn't think I’d “capture” it again. Arggg. Yet another reason I need a space to work. 

I need to be able to show my work like I did at the gallery. I miss that space. Without a place to have my work seen, how am I supposed to make a living? Right now, and for the foreseeable future, it is a choice between the mortgage and health related costs or a studio... Hmmm lets see. A studio is looking mighty good right about now.

END RANT

Im trying to work through some other recent disappointments, silly expectations of others, and old wounds that Im not sure how to go about healing. I have way too much on my mind to finish spring winter cleaning right now. Maybe I will go work for a bit. 

That being said, todays quote is a good one. 

~ There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. ~