"Challenges are what make life interesting overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."

I'd like to deny that this has become a hazard.
But with each passing day the icicles get longer and thicker outside my window.

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Im Back! I know you're all so happy. Contain yourselves! ❤

I’ve taken some time off from blogging, not because I didn't have anything to say (can you even imagine such a thing)but because I have had too much to say. I just couldn't seem to find the right words.  I’m not necessarily sure that I’ve got those words ready yet either, however I know I need to write some of it out or it will drive me insane. 

Lets see lets start with 

☼ Life:

I got sick at the beginning of January and slept all of the month away. I woke up in February and cant believe I lost a month. A whole month!  Its Feb 3rd already! 

February. The month that carries two days I dread. My birthday and Valentines day. Normally I hate my birthday. Everyone close to me knows this. I usually go into hibernation mode and nobody can find me or reach me for the week of said birthday. 

There are a few people I can hear laughing right now because I actually admitted that I get reclusive that week. OKAY. I ADMITTED IT.

But this year, since it is such a momentous year. I’ve decided to celebrate it!!  I will have a birthday week in fact. So, I am available for a party, a dinner or any other celebration one might want to throw for me this year.  Hahahaa Im just sayin’.

• This year I will have surpassed all the limitations that the doctors had set for me earlier.
• I am still alive. 
• I have less tumors in my body. 
• I am walking. 
• I will be 39. (ugh... That just freaked me out a little bit) shaking that off... Geez.

But seriously, for all intents and purposes I was not supposed to see this birthday. Moreover, I wasn't supposed to be in the condition I am in either. As bad as it feels someday, it was supposed to be a lot worse. So, I am  grateful for that today... And have decided to embrace this birthday. I don't know if Ill have another. 

P.S. I have a short list of things possible gifts if anyone is interested. Hehehehe.

✙Medically:  

I had an appointment to see the doctor about the mass on my lung, but had to miss it because of the snow storm. I need to reschedule, but would rather not know. 

The synovitis in the knees hasn't been too bad since I started to take the Plaquinil. But the pain from my shoulder down to my hips had been excruciating and my left right arm isn't doing much these days. I’ve lost almost all use of it this last week.

This of course brings me to .....

♥Work:

Being unable to do the usual stuff has me upset, and feeling a bit lost. I know its not healthy for me to feel like it’s my work that defines who I am. But I am an artist. That’s what I do, it’s who I am. So, if I cant make art, what am I? 

I shudder when I think of myself as Just a mom. A wife. A girlfriend. A housekeeper. A laundry bitch. A cook. Its not that those things are bad... Its just they all seem to be extensions of someone else. I don't find that personally fulfilling. Is that wrong of me? 

Ok, so now I can’t paint. At least not the way I want to.  I’ve been doing a gig making handmade cards using sketches I that I do. Hopefully this will pay enough to get my bank account back in the black. And have me doing enough creatively so that I don't feel like such a worthless piece of crap.

☢Drama:

• The day before yesterday I brought my daughter to the bus stop and the end of the street, and come home to find that the other car in the driveway had its windows shot out on one side. How pleased was I with the pending snow and ice storm?  Not much! Thankfully I have glass coverage with a small deductible. But what an inconvenience!  

• Looking for a roof rake again today. I need to get the roof done soon. Its looking a bit unsteady on one side. Of course that would be the one that sits over my bedroom. 

• The time I took off from blogging... And from just about everything else in my life, has led me to a few conclusions. Not that I didn't know these things already. But there were some personal issues I just needed to clear up, questions needed answering and I needed to find direction. For the most part, I believe I have. And find myself with renewed connections I never thought Id make. There is a lot of work ahead of me, but at least iim moving now and not stagnating in fear anymore.

• Da Nile isn't lust a river in Egypt ya’ know?  Seriously, denial is so powerful. The the devastation that it leaves in its wake is amazing. Yet, the people who choose to live their lives emerged in it, may never have the courage to come out. 

☺ Kids:

They have had two full days of school in the last 3 weeks!  The snow, ice and lack of road clearing by my town really has gotten to be too much. I love my kids and everything, but really... There IS such a thing as too much togetherness. 

Yesterday was it for my daughter. She snapped and was really a nut case! I laugh now, but yesterday it was not so funny. She didn't know what to do with herself. She tried to sit and read and found it impossible to keep still. Every project she began, she couldn't finish and she was following me around the house as chatty as Id ever seen her. 

So, I sent her out into the sleet to go sledding in the yard! It made her tired, so I got a bit of a break. Damn Im horrible right? 

Jessica making snow angels in the solid ice! 

Ryan my 16 yr. old gets grumpy when he is stuck inside for too long. Pair up his grumpiness and Jessica's wild irritating mood and you get Mommy on Xanax!  Lets just say Im relieved that they will be going to school today with only a 2 hour delay.

Maybe I can get something done around here. 

I was going to say have a happy Hump day. But just now realized its already Thursday! 

So… have a thrilling Thursday! 

See ya Friday. 

 "Art does not reproduce the visible; rather, it makes visible." 

Today is officially a hibernation day. Check your calendar.

This morning

How is it that every week, I lose a day? Its happening more and more often. 

I was completely oblivious to the fact that yesterday was, in fact, a Friday. I would have bet the farm that it was only Thursday. Sadly, losing a day seriously screws me up.  I don't know if its old age, Fibro fog, chemo brain, or just being completely overwhelmed with everything there is to do lately.

Today, I’m afraid, its going to be completely random.  It must be the weather. Being snowed in makes me nuts. Its not just that I’m trapped inside with the kids fighting with one another. But I would rather be more productive when I am forced inside. But it never  quite goes the way I imagined it would.  I get scatterbrained. Like everyone in the house is using up the oxygen. Thus depriving my brain of any at all. 

The one thing I do like about a snow storm is the buffer it puts on everything.  In so many aspects, a heavy snow cushions and softens everything. Even the ugliest if scenes. And everything sounds soft and gentle. My yard looks so pretty after a snow. Eh, til the kids get back there and wreck it all with the sleds, snowball fights and the inevitable poorly engineered “fort”. 

Kids:

Trying to get the boys out there to shovel the driveway is like pulling teeth. My oldest is home from college. You would think after not living here for a few years he would learn to do more on his own. Thats a big ol’ negative!  I’m walking with a cane and I cant get him to clear the stairs. I’m so angry with him right now. Does it make me a horrible mother that I cant wait for him to go back to school? If so, please send my Horrible Mother of The Year Award to my home address. Request it privately please. 

Life:

I sure would like a house keeper. I know I will never have one.  Its just a wish... Like I wish my children had volume controls. Or I wish I never had to do laundry.I know those things wont happen, but it doesn't mean I don't dream about the possibility.  Honestly, I live on a street of 7 homes including my own. 4 of them have house cleaning services that come at least once week. I would love to not be the person who cleans all the toilets and the tubs. That job sucks. 

My meds kept me up again last night. I fell asleep around 4am. At 6 my 9 year old daughter is in my bed chatting it up about something she heard on the news. Why does she find pleasure in the news? Are there not more kid oriented things for her to watch in the morning while I try to SLEEP?

Reminder:

1. I need to find a new massage therapist.
2. Flaxseed is NOT like a cereal
3. The purple earplugs work the best at night and orange ones for around the house.

Well, folks that's it for today. I think I’m going to go clean up the studio and see if I can find a place to work. 

Have a happy Friday Saturday! 

And remember; Don't eat yellow snow. 

A little bit of therapy.

Yes, I have my Facebook, and thats fine for instant connections to my kids and friends. I really miss blogging though. I miss writing out all the random thoughts, silly ideas and pet peeves. It was almost therapeutic for me.  I could always use a little therapy right?

So, here I am. Some of my friends from Facebook will follow me over here via private invites. Others will be people that I follow here in blog land. But in this blog don't be surprised at what you see or what you read. I can go from refined to ridiculous in a snap! Having kids will do that to you I think. Well, kids and years of drug and alcohol usage. Haha.

• Work:

Its been quite a while since really I painted anything. Not totally due to lack of desire though. But as quickly as that desire seems to come on, it fades. I found myself flipping through an old sketchbook of trees that I had for a painting I did about 5 years ago. I was flooded with ideas. But the thought of getting everything together to start just felt like too much. Until about a week ago, my arms and hands were majorly effected by my Lupus and Fibro so it made working painful. Now that I have some relief I'd like to work... I guess I feel like I have no drive. How do I find that again?

• Family:

I like the idea of making your own family. People that are important in your life, that have made an impact, friends that make all the difference in your day, they are family. You don't have to be blood related.

The flip side of that is when my kids ask about aunt/uncles and cousins. Hey have none. We have no real family. Christmases void of living rooms filled with kids. It makes me sad sometimes. And yes, I admit I find myself a tad envious of adult women that have Mommy and Daddy pampering them even as adults! I wouldn't want to live like that, but I wouldn't mind knowing what it felt like once and a while. 

• Meds:

Have I mentioned, I HATE taking 24 pills a day? Side effects? Ha! Yep. The latest one has colors looking strange almost washed out and green tinged. One of the meds is making patches of hair fall out. Oh my favorite is the one that makes me a complete idiot... Foggy in the brain. Like I cant find the correct words to use. Not complicated descriptive terms, but words like book, door, and apple. Oh yeah... Say goodbye to my Mensa status! LOL

• Random:

I just saw a commercial for Scientology. Wow... Really? They advertise now.

I cant help but laugh.

Ever see those little black birds that fly together in a pack? They switch directions and turn in sync. Its kind of cool to watch. It seems like Im the only person I know that thinks they are amazing to watch. The look like they are choreographed. Anybody know what kind of birds they are?

Well, not too heavy or crazy for my first entry huh? Time for tea and hopefully sleep. 

"Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England." ~The Cider House Rules